Blue eyes, deep like the sea
On my way home from Utah this morning, I spent the entire time thinking and learning. The end product was me pulling into Rexburg tired and feeling a little like Johnny Depp in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: strung out, lost in a desert, and constantly looking out for cops.
When I left for Utah yesterday, I knew that my time there would be a turning point for me: either I was going to fall further for this guy or I was going to realize that he wasn't it. I was correct in the assumption, but I made an additional one: if I decided he wasn't it, I was going to hate him. Well, I spent hours listening to him speak about himself and his thoughts; and did, in fact, realize that my late-teen introverted romance had been completely off. I made the realization--all by myself, by the way--that he had been wrong for me all along. What had I been thinking five years ago? I wasn't a huge thinker back then, so my mind had probably been empty as I blindly adored him from a distance.
But, an amazing thing happened after all was said and done. I thought of him and realized that he's a smart, interesting individual that I would love to have as a friend. He's always inspired me; but now I realize that inspiration isn't about love, it's about admiration.
The reason I ended up feeling like my head had exploded--and therefore a little strung out--was that this completely changed my views on what love is. For the longest time, I either consciously or subconsciously compared every guy I met to him--or the him that I saw in my mind. I wanted those characteristics in a man, even if it wasn't the man I wanted. But, now, I don't even know what those characteristics are. I'm not even sure what I want, anymore.
So, here I sit, feeling confused and somewhat vulnerable. I'm not afraid of not knowing, just cautious.
When I left for Utah yesterday, I knew that my time there would be a turning point for me: either I was going to fall further for this guy or I was going to realize that he wasn't it. I was correct in the assumption, but I made an additional one: if I decided he wasn't it, I was going to hate him. Well, I spent hours listening to him speak about himself and his thoughts; and did, in fact, realize that my late-teen introverted romance had been completely off. I made the realization--all by myself, by the way--that he had been wrong for me all along. What had I been thinking five years ago? I wasn't a huge thinker back then, so my mind had probably been empty as I blindly adored him from a distance.
But, an amazing thing happened after all was said and done. I thought of him and realized that he's a smart, interesting individual that I would love to have as a friend. He's always inspired me; but now I realize that inspiration isn't about love, it's about admiration.
The reason I ended up feeling like my head had exploded--and therefore a little strung out--was that this completely changed my views on what love is. For the longest time, I either consciously or subconsciously compared every guy I met to him--or the him that I saw in my mind. I wanted those characteristics in a man, even if it wasn't the man I wanted. But, now, I don't even know what those characteristics are. I'm not even sure what I want, anymore.
So, here I sit, feeling confused and somewhat vulnerable. I'm not afraid of not knowing, just cautious.
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