The Smoking Dilemma

I’m currently in the process of quitting cigarettes after being reminded by a doctor that this habit slows my immune system and, consequently, my ability to heal. This winter has been a firm reminder to me that my health can be touchy—for the first time in a while, I got a few infections; but, this time around, my body didn’t seem to want to heal as quickly as I used to.

This isn’t the first time I’ve tried to quit, which is a good thing from my perspective. My past failed attempts have proven to be learning experiences in understanding how to cut back and what mindset is healthiest for me to adopt during this process. About a year ago, I found that mindset that so many smokers speak of: the need to quit for my own reasons, not to oblige anyone else but myself. I gained a sort of passionate hatred for this habit and was ready. The difference between this year and last year lies in my quitting another awful habit that I had maintained for over a decade: Pepsi…well, and soda in general. I saw my future filled with doctors telling me to stop drinking soda, and I decided to call myself on my bullshit early and quit of my own volition. That feeling of liberation spring boarded me into wanting to quit cigarettes—to finish the job while I was still motivated to do so. But it just wasn’t good timing; and I ended up waiting for a better time to take care of it, taking that feeling for granted.

Now, I’m struggling to find that mentality, again. I know the facts about how much healthier I’ll be and how much better off I’ll be financially after I’m done. I just don’t feel that passion I had a year ago—that intense motivation to put the smoking life behind me. As a result, I feel myself aching for my next smoke every time I come in from just having one. I try to make excuses to myself about stress levels and needing comfort. I tell myself I can’t function throughout the day without this destructive habit. I’m driving myself nuts over this, which I know will only lead to a binge.

Why am I so under-motivated this time around? The stage is set perfectly; but, somehow, I still just want to cry at the thought of quitting. I know I’m being a huge baby about this; however, I feel like my quitting won’t be effective unless I’m emotionally ready and willing. But I need to quit. Like now. So, I guess it’ll be a kicking-and-screaming, rather than enlightened process. But, hopefully, by making this blog public, I won’t be able to give myself a chance to back out. And, if you’re reading this, I would appreciate any positive vibes and/or pointers on getting through all this ridiculousness.