Feeling like a freak on a leash.
I hate to be talking so much about love and relationships; but that's really what rules my life these days. And in the end, it's kind of the most important thing in life other than personal satisfaction. I guess I'll put a forewarning here that this may be a confusing and slightly depressing blog.
I feel very confused about myself right now. I know I am worth something, even though I'm a no one. I know I can be interesting, even though no one listens. I also know that I'm not perfect, and there are things I've done within the past couple of years that I'm not proud of. I feel like I'm paying dearly for those things, now, in my relationships with worthy Mormon men. Often I feel inadequate. I feel inadequate, now. Not worth anyone's time.
There is a man I'm interested in, now; but I don't feel it's worth it for me to go for it. Not him: no, he's adorable, funny, smart, responsible, and interesting. I'm looking at myself. I feel like I'm constantly setting myself up for more heartbreak with another man who will find me inadequate. I usually push against these feelings, since I believe it's the devil trying to deprive me of happiness; but, now, I don't believe I'm strong enough to push, much less push against something. What's the point?
So, I suppose I'm just going to sit across the room from him and enjoy his presence; but I'll never really know if we could have worked. Because I'm not secure enough in myself to do this again. Because I feel like he'll be able to see right through me, just like my other two ex's of this year. Because I'm tired of initiating pointless conversations with eye-pleasing lazy asses. Because I hurt too damn much right now.
That's pretty much where I'm at today: closed off in my room with nothing to do, feeling sorry for myself. Boy, am I spoiled.
I feel very confused about myself right now. I know I am worth something, even though I'm a no one. I know I can be interesting, even though no one listens. I also know that I'm not perfect, and there are things I've done within the past couple of years that I'm not proud of. I feel like I'm paying dearly for those things, now, in my relationships with worthy Mormon men. Often I feel inadequate. I feel inadequate, now. Not worth anyone's time.
There is a man I'm interested in, now; but I don't feel it's worth it for me to go for it. Not him: no, he's adorable, funny, smart, responsible, and interesting. I'm looking at myself. I feel like I'm constantly setting myself up for more heartbreak with another man who will find me inadequate. I usually push against these feelings, since I believe it's the devil trying to deprive me of happiness; but, now, I don't believe I'm strong enough to push, much less push against something. What's the point?
So, I suppose I'm just going to sit across the room from him and enjoy his presence; but I'll never really know if we could have worked. Because I'm not secure enough in myself to do this again. Because I feel like he'll be able to see right through me, just like my other two ex's of this year. Because I'm tired of initiating pointless conversations with eye-pleasing lazy asses. Because I hurt too damn much right now.
That's pretty much where I'm at today: closed off in my room with nothing to do, feeling sorry for myself. Boy, am I spoiled.
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