Disturbia
I spent a lot of this evening researching apartments and jobs in possible cities that I'll live in after I graduate in December. The research was informative and slightly relieving; but at the same time, I found the tension in my stomach becoming stronger and stronger the more I thought of my future in the city.
I'm scared to death I won't have the money I need to kick-start my life. I also worry that I'll be inadequate for the career-building jobs I'll be applying for. After being denied positions in crappy, college jobs all summer, I feel like I would be setting myself up for failure by just showing up to the interview--this is banking on the possibility that I do get the interview. And when I show up to said interview, I'm scared that my employer will find my wardrobe horribly and obviously second-hand and/or cheap. I have nothing--or close to nothing--when it comes to classy-looking, professional clothes (another thing I don't have money for). My appearance alone would cause my would-be employer to dismiss me immediately from the premises.
And then, there's trying to find a place that I'll be able to afford--on a budget I won't really have until I get there. Also, a place where I don't feel like I could get shot just by stepping out onto the street or standing in my living space. Or finding roommates who aren't psycho or sluts or smokers or messy or bring people like that into my apartment. I realize that I've lived an extremely sheltered life at BYU-Idaho, and I don't appreciate it at all--not with what I fear I may face upon leaving this school. Maybe that's their plan--scare the little Mormon children into staying in the safe, comfortable Mormon bubble they've created.
I definitely won't be scared it that...but I do know that I'm having an extreme moment of weakness right now, and I'm scared. I'm doing the typical human scared-of-the-unknown. And here I am: panicking and unsuccessfully trying to breathe.
I'm scared to death I won't have the money I need to kick-start my life. I also worry that I'll be inadequate for the career-building jobs I'll be applying for. After being denied positions in crappy, college jobs all summer, I feel like I would be setting myself up for failure by just showing up to the interview--this is banking on the possibility that I do get the interview. And when I show up to said interview, I'm scared that my employer will find my wardrobe horribly and obviously second-hand and/or cheap. I have nothing--or close to nothing--when it comes to classy-looking, professional clothes (another thing I don't have money for). My appearance alone would cause my would-be employer to dismiss me immediately from the premises.
And then, there's trying to find a place that I'll be able to afford--on a budget I won't really have until I get there. Also, a place where I don't feel like I could get shot just by stepping out onto the street or standing in my living space. Or finding roommates who aren't psycho or sluts or smokers or messy or bring people like that into my apartment. I realize that I've lived an extremely sheltered life at BYU-Idaho, and I don't appreciate it at all--not with what I fear I may face upon leaving this school. Maybe that's their plan--scare the little Mormon children into staying in the safe, comfortable Mormon bubble they've created.
I definitely won't be scared it that...but I do know that I'm having an extreme moment of weakness right now, and I'm scared. I'm doing the typical human scared-of-the-unknown. And here I am: panicking and unsuccessfully trying to breathe.
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