Maybe I should cry for help
I have so much regret. I usually try not to allow regret to enter my emotional boundaries. I like to settle things with people before they can get out of hand. I apologize when I feel I need to, and I tell people what's on my mind when I feel it needs to be said. But lately, I feel like I've been in a position where it would be the complete opposite of 'better' if I were to address my regret with the source. The regret would actually multiply, I have a feeling. And that's frustrating for me because it's like that feeling where I need to puke but it just won't come. I can't rid myself of that sick feeling in any way. I'll spend hours distracting myself from the pain of it by reading books or pissing away time online; but in the end, my thoughts always come back to me and I'm unable to shake them. It drives me nuts that I can't apologize for my past actions, and I suppose this blog is my way of venting this a little. But it will never feel truly better until I'm able to say things to the person it needs to be said to in a way that I feel like I've truly communicated my remorse. And I've never been in a situation where it's been inappropriate to address that, and I don't know what to do with it. People will tell me to just forget about it, but I know that it will always be nagging in the back of my mind that I never apologized to that one person. I wish I knew how to bury it, but I honestly don't know how.
I've had a lot on my mind, lately, regarding many things in my life that have gone unexplained for some time. For example, I recently found out that I'm slightly bipolar. It's helped me understand why I have such drastic emotional changes from day to day with no real explanation as to why. It also explains my depression to a point. This is another, smaller regret of mine because people who have gotten close to me over the years have bore the brunt of this horrible emotional sickness of mine. I could never explain it because I never understood it myself. I would only get defensive and say that this was just how I am. Now, it saddens me to know that everything has always been my fault, however unintentional it was (it's hard to control the emotions when they come, so often people don't know which side of me they'll get on any given day). Lately, I find myself trying to avoid social situations because I'm worried I'll snap on another innocent person without their having done anything to provoke it. So, I stay home even though that builds the depression to an overwhelming amount. I'm incredibly lonely right now. I don't know how to express that fully. I don't know what to do about it, and I fear having to spend another weekend alone in my room because I can't seem to take control of my own interests enough to force myself out, even though it would be alone. I often wonder why I'm always alone. Why am I so good at pushing people out of my life directly after they've entered it? What lesson is there to learn from this so that I can start actually making friends?
I'm not sure. All I know today is that Sundays are the worst for depression for me. I have my own reasons for that, which I choose not to share. I hate it that I look forward to the work week simply because it's another five days of distraction before I have to let my thoughts invade once more. I'm sick of living like this. I feel trapped inside myself like I can't fully communicate how I feel to the outside so they can help. Because I want to call out for help. But I know that no one can save me but myself. That's the most lonely feeling in the world.
I've had a lot on my mind, lately, regarding many things in my life that have gone unexplained for some time. For example, I recently found out that I'm slightly bipolar. It's helped me understand why I have such drastic emotional changes from day to day with no real explanation as to why. It also explains my depression to a point. This is another, smaller regret of mine because people who have gotten close to me over the years have bore the brunt of this horrible emotional sickness of mine. I could never explain it because I never understood it myself. I would only get defensive and say that this was just how I am. Now, it saddens me to know that everything has always been my fault, however unintentional it was (it's hard to control the emotions when they come, so often people don't know which side of me they'll get on any given day). Lately, I find myself trying to avoid social situations because I'm worried I'll snap on another innocent person without their having done anything to provoke it. So, I stay home even though that builds the depression to an overwhelming amount. I'm incredibly lonely right now. I don't know how to express that fully. I don't know what to do about it, and I fear having to spend another weekend alone in my room because I can't seem to take control of my own interests enough to force myself out, even though it would be alone. I often wonder why I'm always alone. Why am I so good at pushing people out of my life directly after they've entered it? What lesson is there to learn from this so that I can start actually making friends?
I'm not sure. All I know today is that Sundays are the worst for depression for me. I have my own reasons for that, which I choose not to share. I hate it that I look forward to the work week simply because it's another five days of distraction before I have to let my thoughts invade once more. I'm sick of living like this. I feel trapped inside myself like I can't fully communicate how I feel to the outside so they can help. Because I want to call out for help. But I know that no one can save me but myself. That's the most lonely feeling in the world.
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