Dick Moves I've Pulled on my Siblings

I was giggling to myself last night about a few different things I've done in the past to make my siblings' lives a bit more miserable than normal. After bringing myself to the point of laughter tears, I realized that I have to document these things and share them with the world. They're too good to be kept to myself. I wrote just a few of them, last night; but there will be more to come, soon!

Dick moves I’ve pulled on my siblings: Take one.

My family is well known for having a mean streak that tends to strike quite randomly; therefore, it’s hardly predictable when you’re going to be pranked or tortured in some form or another. Here are some of those moments for me—as in, me affecting the lives of my family.

Most infamous among my siblings is the tale of the scary computer screen. There was a time when the internet was still young when a rash of “ghost” videos were being shared by everyone through email—usually in hopes to prank the recipient. I had found a good one that not only horrified you visually, but also screamed like a banshee.

Let me just put it out there that this was the typical on-the-spot, non-thought-out prank that Teffts typically do…which is what makes it so incredibly memorable.

I was babysitting my two younger siblings (ages around 2 and 4 years old) with my sister (aged around 9). This provided a perfect opportunity for such activities as scaring the living crap out of one’s siblings. I was checking my email already on the computer and had already watched this creepy video a couple of times with my headphones on when this realization of what I must do struck me. As if I had been planning this for days, I casually clicked the link and turned the volume all the way up before standing, strolling to the door, and exiting without another word.

Unfortunately, the oldest of my younger siblings got to wondering what I was up to—I hardly ever just go outside for no reason—so, she followed me out, asking what was wrong. I told her to go back in and that I would tell her once I came back in. It was too late by then, though. From within the house, we heard a deafening shriek that shook the windows of our living room, accompanied by the wails and cries of my siblings as they dove for cover.

It’s amazing, how well instinct kicks in when we’re so terrified we hardly know what to do with ourselves. When my sister and I reentered the house, we found our little sister curled up behind the lazy boy next to the door and our little brother wedged into the seat of the same lazy boy. Both were crying due to their confused, dazed, and terrified states. All I could think was: mission accomplished.

Dick moves I’ve pulled on my siblings: Take two.

Many people who have siblings can relate when I say that sharing sucks. Sharing especially sucks when there’s food involved, especially delicious food.

On this particular day, I had managed to scare up enough money to buy a Twix bar. I was ecstatic because I’m a sugar junkie with a mother who was very withholding as far as sugar goes. To me, this Twix bar was quite Precious; and I had been lucky enough to slink off to a deserted room to eat it without detection.

At least, I thought I would go undetected until, halfway through the enjoyment that is a Twix bar, the doorknob of the room began to jiggle. I could hear my little sister’s voice on the other side, and I knew she would want some. And she would get some, but it would be over my dead body. Therefore, in a fit of desperation, I crammed the entire second Twix bar into my mouth and began chewing madly.

Luckily, I did not choke. I was pretty proud of myself when my sister opened the door and I had pretty much swallowed all of it. She never knew a thing…

Dick moves I’ve pulled on my siblings: Take three.

You know those days when your little siblings are annoying you to the point of very graphic homicidal thoughts? Yeah, this was one of those days. My sister wouldn’t stop buzzing around me—for some reason she was hyper, and I wasn’t having it. I was trying to mind my own business when my mom asked me to do some sort of activity with her (apparently she was getting to the point of murder, as well).

I thought of a fun activity right away—something I had done with the dogs before. It’s a game called “I’ll hold onto this object and you trust me by leaning back while holding onto the other end”.

The ending to this story is pretty predictable. I let go, she fell and cried…blah, blah, blah. Just another day in the life, I guess.

The worst part of this story is the justice-shaming teacher who swept into the classroom after having witnessed my torture session. She probably expected a warm sibling bonding moment, but what she got—to her dismay—was a typical day at the Tefft house, where survival of the fittest is a policy well-followed.

Dick moves I’ve pulled on my siblings: Take four.

Farts. They’re a big part of a child’s life—especially when you have a fart machine of a father! I have a certain amount of respect for my dad’s farting capabilities. All four of us kids have trained with his skills since birth and are hoping to become the fantastic farting ninja he has grown to be in our eyes.

As the reader can imagine, we have an impressive set of archives devoted solely to fart stories. However, this is not one of those stories. This story is about another foul smell and how it was used against my siblings.

It was a hot day under the southern sun, and all four of us were waiting in the car for my mom to be finished and take us home from school (my mom’s a teacher, so she has stuff she has to gather before leaving). Anyway, we were all joking around—liking each other for once—when I began to notice a hurting in my tummy. Back then, when my tummy started hurting, I would start burping air that tasted like rotten eggs. Not much help for keeping your lunch back.

This time, however, I noticed that these burps not only tasted horrible; but they smelled rancid, as well. This realization was helped along when one of my siblings asked whether I had farted. No, no, I did not.

Ok, it’s tangent time: my dad has a system for when he farts while we’re on the road. He’ll feel it coming, so he’ll casually roll up and lock all windows before letting loose on our poor lungs. This is where I learned the trick I pulled on this day.

I felt another burp rolling up my chest, and I knew it was going to be a big one. My stomach hurt pretty badly at this point, so I knew it would be a raunchy one. So, I locked all car doors, created a swift exit by opening my door, and then belched with all my might into the car before slamming the door closed. Thanks to the melting heat, the smell of my burp was magnified to the point of complete eye-watering, nose-plugging, wailing-and-gnashing-of-teeth from my siblings as they all scrambled to unlock and open doors.

I was so proud of being the creator of such a horrible smell that I didn’t mind all the threats and insults that were thrown at me before Mom finally showed up.

Dick moves I’ve pulled on my siblings: Take five.

This is one I’m not particularly proud of, but it still makes me giggle a bit.

My dad loves to trip people. It’s like a hobby for him—a very annoying hobby, especially if you have very short legs…you know, like when I was a little girl. Anyway, I eventually started to find humor out of tripping people (I once spent a day at a local amusement park sitting on a bench a tripping people, but that’s another story for another day). This probably started when my dad started tripping my sister.

Fast forward to my teenage years when the youngest of us, my little brother, is just learning to walk. I was sitting on the living room floor watching cartoons when he came toddling around the corner toward me. One of my evil streaks ripped through me, making the urge to trip him irresistible. So, naturally, I waited patiently until he was in my range before proceeding to whip his legs right out from under his pudgy little body.

Unfortunately, the enjoyment of this one was shortly lived. Once the little man picked himself up, crying of course, I noticed I had made him hurt himself somewhere in his mouth, causing him to bleed quite a bit. The thought of hurting him like that makes me cringe a little every time. A lesson learned: pranks are fun until they’ve been taken too far…but it’s still ok to laugh after everyone’s stopped bleeding.

Dick moves I’ve pulled on my siblings: Take six.

I have a lot of problems with rage; and most of my adolescence was spent directing my rage at my youngest sister…who just so happens to have rage issues, as well. There were a lot of Dinny vs. Leila moments during those days, especially while I was babysitting.

Well, one night, I was stuck at home babysitting…again. I was pissed already for having to babysit without my sister being herself all the time. I don’t even know what we were fighting about (I mean, what can a 6 year old be arguing with a 16 year old about?), but it was getting really close to blows. I think she could sense that because she went and curled up underneath our nice chess table.

I wasn’t having any of that hiding crap, so I stomped over and kicked her right in the ass. Like, literally. I kicked her on her ass cheek; or, more specifically, I kicked her right on the bone that lies beneath the butt cheek.

Turns out, karma’s a swift bitch because my toe broke on impact, and I was the one left crying on the floor while my sister—unharmed and not even sore from being kicked—stood over me and laughed. Makes me want to beat her just thinking about it.

Dick moves I’ve pulled on my siblings: Take seven.

Most of our adventures as siblings occurred while the parents were out. The lack of authority gave us the freedom to do things we would normally be punished for. For example, spit ball wars. Mom and Dad would never allow something like that to go on during their watch. Therefore, I let it happen on my watch! Actually, I think it was my idea.

We had had spit ball wars a few times, but not like today. Today would be a memorable spit ball war—the war that ended all wars.

First, we started with a light hearted competition: how many spitballs can we stick to the window from a few feet away? That was fun, and we were all really improving on our aim when someone had the idea to get the paper towel roll involved.

We learned pretty quickly that you can’t dowse paper towels and then spit them out of that big tube, so we ended up just crumpling up dry newspaper and blowing that at each other. We found much humor out of this for a while until things started to get heated. Suddenly, it was every man for himself.

Everyone was hip deep in the heated blood of battle when my little sister decided she was offended by something I was doing. I looked at the computer momentarily just in time to watch a rogue remote smash directly into the center of the screen.

Everything went into slow motion for a few minutes before everyone started asking aloud what had just happened. The computer screen was ruined during the chaos of battle and all we knew of what happened was Leila’s red, fuming face and I’ve-just-thrown-something posture. It was the perfect end to a good battle…and we were in some deep shit—we knew it. So, the rest of the day was spent cleaning up spit balls and praying to God that Mom would be merciful.