I've been locked inside
Once more, I have washed back onto the shores of relative sanity. The storm has passed for the most part, and the people I have to thank for that are my aunt, my sister, and her husband. I feel like I've been numbed by my medication. I probably have been. Even so, I haven't been that suicidal...ever. I don't know how I pulled through, but I did, somehow. I guess I'm much stronger than I thought I am. I usually prove that in my weakest moments--the moments when I'm the least strong, the least willing to fight. I hope that's a lesson to all those who may deal with severe depression who read this. You may not be happy that you're still alive, but at least you are. You're still fighting to create some life in this horrible world. And I guess that's all this world can ask.
I've made a lot of conclusions over the past couple of days, and I stick by them. I realize that my mind so far too unstable to deal with any form of relationship, whether it be that of a friend or of romance. In a way, though, I'm kind of happy that I remain alone. I don't have to deal with the drama and disappointment of someone who can't handle my past or my present. It's best to just keep my distance.
And I'm so grateful that I have a sister who seems to have been born with an angel of peace inside of her. Sometimes I think that she was made the way she was because someone out there knew that I would need her calm reassurance time and time again. She doesn't fully understand depression, but she loves without limit. I know she'll always be there whenever I need her. Hers is the only shoulder I ever want to cry on (I won't even hug my mom whenever I'm really distraught). I realize this puts a vast burden on her, but throughout the years, I've learned that she isn't afraid of that burden. She's seen me at my best and at my worst, and she absolutely knows my worth and potential. I'm so glad that she could be here last night and today (we're spending a day together so I can get my shit together before going back to work).
I guess that's all I have to say about this past weekend. I have a lingering undertone of embarrassment, especially toward the man who set off this downfall. He didn't know. How could he have? But I know I can't be embarrassed about something that can't and won't be hidden throughout my life. This is how my life is, and I'm coming to accept it with bitterness.
I've made a lot of conclusions over the past couple of days, and I stick by them. I realize that my mind so far too unstable to deal with any form of relationship, whether it be that of a friend or of romance. In a way, though, I'm kind of happy that I remain alone. I don't have to deal with the drama and disappointment of someone who can't handle my past or my present. It's best to just keep my distance.
And I'm so grateful that I have a sister who seems to have been born with an angel of peace inside of her. Sometimes I think that she was made the way she was because someone out there knew that I would need her calm reassurance time and time again. She doesn't fully understand depression, but she loves without limit. I know she'll always be there whenever I need her. Hers is the only shoulder I ever want to cry on (I won't even hug my mom whenever I'm really distraught). I realize this puts a vast burden on her, but throughout the years, I've learned that she isn't afraid of that burden. She's seen me at my best and at my worst, and she absolutely knows my worth and potential. I'm so glad that she could be here last night and today (we're spending a day together so I can get my shit together before going back to work).
I guess that's all I have to say about this past weekend. I have a lingering undertone of embarrassment, especially toward the man who set off this downfall. He didn't know. How could he have? But I know I can't be embarrassed about something that can't and won't be hidden throughout my life. This is how my life is, and I'm coming to accept it with bitterness.
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