Don't stop me, now
It's a bit funny that I get the most reads for my most negative blogs. It's as if people have to pause and watch to see if I actually do it, just like when we pause to watch if someone's died in a car accident--or even better, if they've been so badly hurt, it's hard to tell whether they're a person anymore. You can wonder all you want whether I'm a person anymore. It makes no difference to me. Now that I've pulled out of this, I know my reads will go down once more because, for some reason, people aren't interested in the fiction, poetry, and uplifting posts that I work hard to produce for my small public. And what would have happened if I had done it? No one said anything to me before. I know that because I had never felt so alone in those moments. It wouldn't have been until after the fact that people would have started wondering aloud whether they could have done something and saying that it's too damn bad at the wasted life of youth. Luckily I didn't do it, so I guess you can wait in suspense, hoping that I go downhill again in order to stop and stare and enjoy the heavy silence as I weep uncontrollably in my room. Alone.
Unfortunately for you, though, I won't ever get that bad again. Not publicly and not privately. I'm done with that. I'm capable of having a stronger will than that, and I plan on exercising that will. I won't give up despite my fears and struggles because I know that someday, it'll get better. It will always get better. And I will always be loved. Perhaps not by you, but by those who are closest to me and by those I don't even know, yet. It's high time I started making friends and proving to myself that I can keep them. And not in the closed-off way that I've always tried. In the process of making friends, it helps to see each other's pains, albeit not to any extremes...I don't plan on announcing that I've tried to kill myself before; but it helps to connect to someone on a deeper level by knowing that there's something you can help them with, as well as kill loneliness by having as much fun as possible with that person.
A couple of years ago, I made a challenge for myself to face all of my individual fears so that I wouldn't fear them anymore and I could move forward with my life without fear. This challenge was inspired by a book called The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I always recommend anything by this man. Anyway, I went forward with the challenge, and it freed me like nothing else. I faced the challenge of breaking an engagement that I thought would end in a bad marriage. I faced living on hardly any money (one of my biggest fears). I faced a spider, damnit! And it was great! I'm realizing, now, that I need to enter that frame of mind again. I'm living off of fear once more, and it's blocking me from most of my life. For example, I'm too scared of sex to truly pursue a relationship. That's a big hurtle for me, but I know that I need to face it and conquer it because this is getting incredibly ridiculous. I also need to start applying for jobs in which I could actually use the skills I honed in college. I'm too scared that I won't be good enough, so I don't apply. And there will be a learning curve, but I just need to bite the bullet and get it done. Otherwise, I'll never be happy with myself, and that's something that is endlessly important right now.
To all those who were truly sitting and waiting for my demise (I doubt that there were many, but it has to be said), go fuck yourself. And to those who just read with concern, but still didn't do anything, shame on you. I hope that if I notice a friend at that low of a point, I will be well inside myself enough to reach out and help pull them back up. I have a few friends who have similar battles daily, and I'd like to say that I try my best to help them; but I'm not perfect. After going through all that, I'm going to make a much better effort to raise the spirits of those around me so that I help raise myself as well.
Unfortunately for you, though, I won't ever get that bad again. Not publicly and not privately. I'm done with that. I'm capable of having a stronger will than that, and I plan on exercising that will. I won't give up despite my fears and struggles because I know that someday, it'll get better. It will always get better. And I will always be loved. Perhaps not by you, but by those who are closest to me and by those I don't even know, yet. It's high time I started making friends and proving to myself that I can keep them. And not in the closed-off way that I've always tried. In the process of making friends, it helps to see each other's pains, albeit not to any extremes...I don't plan on announcing that I've tried to kill myself before; but it helps to connect to someone on a deeper level by knowing that there's something you can help them with, as well as kill loneliness by having as much fun as possible with that person.
A couple of years ago, I made a challenge for myself to face all of my individual fears so that I wouldn't fear them anymore and I could move forward with my life without fear. This challenge was inspired by a book called The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I always recommend anything by this man. Anyway, I went forward with the challenge, and it freed me like nothing else. I faced the challenge of breaking an engagement that I thought would end in a bad marriage. I faced living on hardly any money (one of my biggest fears). I faced a spider, damnit! And it was great! I'm realizing, now, that I need to enter that frame of mind again. I'm living off of fear once more, and it's blocking me from most of my life. For example, I'm too scared of sex to truly pursue a relationship. That's a big hurtle for me, but I know that I need to face it and conquer it because this is getting incredibly ridiculous. I also need to start applying for jobs in which I could actually use the skills I honed in college. I'm too scared that I won't be good enough, so I don't apply. And there will be a learning curve, but I just need to bite the bullet and get it done. Otherwise, I'll never be happy with myself, and that's something that is endlessly important right now.
To all those who were truly sitting and waiting for my demise (I doubt that there were many, but it has to be said), go fuck yourself. And to those who just read with concern, but still didn't do anything, shame on you. I hope that if I notice a friend at that low of a point, I will be well inside myself enough to reach out and help pull them back up. I have a few friends who have similar battles daily, and I'd like to say that I try my best to help them; but I'm not perfect. After going through all that, I'm going to make a much better effort to raise the spirits of those around me so that I help raise myself as well.
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