Hate me today.
I am completely mentally unstable. And maybe that's why people don't really read this blog. You never know what you're going to get, and you're tired of the repetition of highly depressing posts. Nobody likes negativity because they don't like facing the reality that most of this world--perhaps even the reader--is depressed most of the time. It sucks to be trapped in your head, feeling like you have to distract yourself constantly to forget that really, deep inside, you consider yourself a douche bag. A nothing. An absolute waste of dreams and space. And those who actually face those demons openly, daily, you feel uncomfortable around because you don't want to be reminded of your own inevitable shit.
I've been trying so hard to fix myself the entire summer. I thought I found a solution--doctors, therapists, medication, books--but I always end up winding back to the same old bitter truth: the wheel doesn't and won't keep spinning, no matter how hard I try to slow it down. I don't know if there will ever be an end to my constant mood changes. I don't know if I'll ever not have the constant under-lying depression that always leaks out embarrassingly in polite conversation. I'm bitter and resentful, critical, hateful, and tired of having to live in my own head, in this disgusting body that takes up too much space and money and food and doctor bills. It's pointless, in the end because nobody will ever fix me. I don't expect them to because I really have to be the one to fix myself; but, damnit, I'm the most incapable person for such a burden-filled job. And everyone else around me is even worse--less capable than I could ever be. I'm failing constantly at making myself and those around me happy. I can't keep friends because I hardly have the energy to act like I'm content and "normal". And nobody wants to deal with a rain cloud. It's too real and too wrong.
I'm sick and tired of all this stupid shit I put myself through. I beat myself up because I like flirting, but when it's comes down to dating, I'm scared to death of sex and having to act like an emotionally stable person. That's the biggest tug of war in my head and it's almost constant. The constant sounds of bombs are pounding in my ears while I sit and wait for him to text me. And then my body's always fighting against me. It's seems like I always have one infection or another. It never stops. It's like my body is just hoping to self-destruct as soon as possible because it knows how miserable it is to live in it. It's frustrating as the person who has to pay for all of it. I'm trapped in a pattern of daily pill-taking and feeling pains that shouldn't be a problem.
And there's the whole mess of worrying that I'll lose my job because we don't have enough customers mixed with the lack of enthusiasm to actually go out and look for another shitty, dead-end job. I won't ever actually get a good paying job because I lack confidence in myself to apply somewhere that I think I could actually make a difference for. I'm also scared of the responsibility because I have mountainous commitment issues.
Everything is anticlimactic for me. Nothing is exciting. It's all balled up in tension, stress, anxiety, and as always, depression. I can't socialize because it pushes too many of my anxiety buttons. I can't be alone because I'm then stuck with myself, in my head, reminding myself how much of a freaking loser I am. There is never an escape.
I've been trying so hard to fix myself the entire summer. I thought I found a solution--doctors, therapists, medication, books--but I always end up winding back to the same old bitter truth: the wheel doesn't and won't keep spinning, no matter how hard I try to slow it down. I don't know if there will ever be an end to my constant mood changes. I don't know if I'll ever not have the constant under-lying depression that always leaks out embarrassingly in polite conversation. I'm bitter and resentful, critical, hateful, and tired of having to live in my own head, in this disgusting body that takes up too much space and money and food and doctor bills. It's pointless, in the end because nobody will ever fix me. I don't expect them to because I really have to be the one to fix myself; but, damnit, I'm the most incapable person for such a burden-filled job. And everyone else around me is even worse--less capable than I could ever be. I'm failing constantly at making myself and those around me happy. I can't keep friends because I hardly have the energy to act like I'm content and "normal". And nobody wants to deal with a rain cloud. It's too real and too wrong.
I'm sick and tired of all this stupid shit I put myself through. I beat myself up because I like flirting, but when it's comes down to dating, I'm scared to death of sex and having to act like an emotionally stable person. That's the biggest tug of war in my head and it's almost constant. The constant sounds of bombs are pounding in my ears while I sit and wait for him to text me. And then my body's always fighting against me. It's seems like I always have one infection or another. It never stops. It's like my body is just hoping to self-destruct as soon as possible because it knows how miserable it is to live in it. It's frustrating as the person who has to pay for all of it. I'm trapped in a pattern of daily pill-taking and feeling pains that shouldn't be a problem.
And there's the whole mess of worrying that I'll lose my job because we don't have enough customers mixed with the lack of enthusiasm to actually go out and look for another shitty, dead-end job. I won't ever actually get a good paying job because I lack confidence in myself to apply somewhere that I think I could actually make a difference for. I'm also scared of the responsibility because I have mountainous commitment issues.
Everything is anticlimactic for me. Nothing is exciting. It's all balled up in tension, stress, anxiety, and as always, depression. I can't socialize because it pushes too many of my anxiety buttons. I can't be alone because I'm then stuck with myself, in my head, reminding myself how much of a freaking loser I am. There is never an escape.
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