Love that I lost
Now that all the post-break up drama has calmed down, for the most part, I've found myself wondering whether I should open myself up and put myself out there once more. Love is such a strange emotion. It's so picky, yet still so broad. I admit, I tend to move on pretty quickly whenever it's a pretty clean break. I don't know if that makes me a bad person or just a lonely person or simply one who just likes to stay in the game. All of my darkest parts come out whenever I'm trying to love. I often feel selfish or ridiculous. Sometimes I'm withholding, while sometimes I'm over the top. And all of that can be within just one relationship.
I've dated around quite a bit--seen a lot of different men and the different people that live within each one. Some of the relationships felt really healthy and mature. A lot of those--one in particular--I thought would work. I almost married that one, but circumstances got in the way. Now, he and I are worlds apart. I couldn't imagine trying to get with him again. And then some relationships--one in particular--really just felt like I was babysitting (He was a theater major. He was everywhere at once).
After every relationship, I always have to sit and wonder whether I'll ever find someone who will hold my attention long enough to really make it long-term. For some reason, I get bored in relationships relatively fast. I don't know if this is how it is for everyone, but that's how it is for me. And it's not like it's a hit against all the guys I've dated. Somewhere in my subconscious, I think I really do know what I want; and when I realize that I don't currently have it, I get bored.
But my question is: is it out there? I see people everywhere who can stay together for years; and, sure they may have their moments, but for the most part they're still loving each other actively. How is that even accomplished? I guess that's in the department of love that's titled "Shrouded in Mystery". It's all guess and check, trial and error. And that's how people get hurt.
Maybe I shouldn't go for it for a while. Of course, I say that...but then I dive right in again and ask love to show me its most creative forms of torture. Why? I think I really do privately love it. It's the chase to the unknown that's incredibly delicious to me. For some reason, I like to keep at it without even taking a breather long enough to let my wounds heal a little bit. Oh! This makes me think of an Eagles song: Life in the Fast Lane.
Yeah, I'm done with my rambling. I'm open to feedback if you'd like to give it. I don't even care if you call me a bitch. I know, already.
I've dated around quite a bit--seen a lot of different men and the different people that live within each one. Some of the relationships felt really healthy and mature. A lot of those--one in particular--I thought would work. I almost married that one, but circumstances got in the way. Now, he and I are worlds apart. I couldn't imagine trying to get with him again. And then some relationships--one in particular--really just felt like I was babysitting (He was a theater major. He was everywhere at once).
After every relationship, I always have to sit and wonder whether I'll ever find someone who will hold my attention long enough to really make it long-term. For some reason, I get bored in relationships relatively fast. I don't know if this is how it is for everyone, but that's how it is for me. And it's not like it's a hit against all the guys I've dated. Somewhere in my subconscious, I think I really do know what I want; and when I realize that I don't currently have it, I get bored.
But my question is: is it out there? I see people everywhere who can stay together for years; and, sure they may have their moments, but for the most part they're still loving each other actively. How is that even accomplished? I guess that's in the department of love that's titled "Shrouded in Mystery". It's all guess and check, trial and error. And that's how people get hurt.
Maybe I shouldn't go for it for a while. Of course, I say that...but then I dive right in again and ask love to show me its most creative forms of torture. Why? I think I really do privately love it. It's the chase to the unknown that's incredibly delicious to me. For some reason, I like to keep at it without even taking a breather long enough to let my wounds heal a little bit. Oh! This makes me think of an Eagles song: Life in the Fast Lane.
Yeah, I'm done with my rambling. I'm open to feedback if you'd like to give it. I don't even care if you call me a bitch. I know, already.
Comments
Post a Comment