You are my sweetest downfall

First, a warning: this is going to be a very journal entry-esque blog. I have a few things I have to vent about and (it's sad but true) don't have anywhere else to vent to. Why am I typing this here, then? Nobody reads my blog, so I'm safe.

As always, my selfish human tendencies have been quite prominent in my thoughts, lately, as I've considered life around me. I've been looking at events and how they affect me, naturally. I've also been impressed and surprised by some overwhelming, as well as uncontrollable, emotions. Here it goes.

I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life. It seems like I've always had someone to fall back on, someone with advice or at least comforting words. But I have no one who can relate to my circumstances, anymore. Believe me, this isn't me being melodramatic (though I am good at that), this is me being realistic. After stepping out of the LDS religion, I have found myself alienated from just about everyone I know. This was expected, as well as the loneliness that accompanies it. And I've been so certain of myself--so certain that I would be a better person outside of the religion (can't say that I'm not), a stronger person (ahhh, the problem).

Seeing as I've departed for this quest alone and tend to travel alone, I've found myself quite...alone since I've stopped being Mormon. This hasn't been too big a deal for me, seeing as I've always had my sister who has never been judgmental at me and has always been a great support. That support has vanished, now that she's planning a wedding and completely engrossed in the ultimate Mormon rite of marriage. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy that she's found a man who can make her this happy. She definitely deserves it after all the shit men have put her through over the years. Regardless, I feel like my best friend has died and was replaced with the 'we' monster. She's gone, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

And then, I've met a few boys. A couple of them, I wasn't interested in romantically; and a couple, I was. One of the latter couple completely screwed me over. I haven't heard from him since. The other, I'm completely crazy for...but the interest seems to be unrequited, though it definitely wasn't at the beginning. Typically, girls talk to other girls in order to get some incite from a human sounding board. Trouble is, I don't really have any girl friends....especially any that would be able to understand and think around the circumstances. It bothers me that all the people I know would look at me like I'm an alien if I told them how intoxicated I am by just his presence--tattoos, cigarette smoke, and all. They would probably tell me that I could find a better-qualified suitor without even considering his personality or his heart or his intelligence.

So, now I'm lost in my own brain all the time, trying to figure out why he doesn't seem interested anymore and trying to fight off my inner demons who tell me it's all right to hate myself because of it. I've been dealing with the most toxic brand of depression, lately, because of all this. It's like one of those really bad, lingering farts: the initial jerk of emotion is wrenching, but the more I think about it--even if I act or feel happy--deep inside of me is dark. It barely goes away long enough for breathing room. I feel like I'm going slightly insane, with all the time to myself and no social interaction unless I make the active decision to seek it out. Which I don't have the energy to do, anymore. I've become such a flake because I'll ask if I can come hang out, but then I'll ignore my phone for the rest of the night. Because I'm tired. And depressed.

I suppose this should be the end of this recklessly, yet pointlessly written text. If there is a reader, sorry if I've depressed you. Just Google something funny and go about the rest of your day. Don't worry, I'll be fine. I'll just be hanging out in my room alone, if you ever need me. Have a good day.