I know you haven't made your mind up, yet.
I was just sitting in the window at Ben's place and thinking about how fortunate I am to be here and living and free. Lately, I've been stressed out about finding a job back at Salt Lake and worrying that no one will take interest. Sometimes, I have to wake myself up from the stress coma and remind myself that life is life...and it is good as long as you're playing the game.
Stagnance--that is my greatest fear. I fear the possibility of going through my life and having nothing to show for it, not even a clean room or a well-kept lifestyle. Nothing. I think that's everyone's fear, and if it's not, perhaps you should look at yourself again.
I fear not getting things done. I'll clean in my free time if I don't have anything better to do. I get restless; and restlessness scares, but it gives me power. It gives me the power to do the things that I've been trying to do. It gives me freedom--well-needed freedom--freedom to play the game to the best of my abilities.
And, again, the game kind of scares me at times. It excites me, but at the same time, it scares the hell out of me. That's what life is, right? It's an endless roller coaster ride that both excites you and scares you, and hopefully you come out of it having had fun (and not sick to your stomach). That's what I want: fun at home, fun at the workplace, fun with my family and friends. And I want quality fun, not the kind of fun where you say you're having fun, but you'd rather not think about it. I want the kind of fun that forces you to look forward to the next time. I want to look forward to being home, in sweet solace. And I want to look forward to going to work, where I feel I'm worth while; and I don't have a boss who's always on my case because of their inner suspicions that I may choose, in the future, to screw them over. What an opposite to a peaceful life! And I want to look forward to seeing those whom I love. I don't a lot of the time because of guilt and fear of judgment. I need to learn to let that fear go.
Finally, as I sat on the window ledge, looking out at London, I realized that, though London may not be the most spectacular city to most, it's the most beautiful gem to me. I'm incredibly lucky to be staying here, if just for a week; and I'm especially lucky to have such a good friend who has been willing to fly me out, despite my former protests (I didn't protest that much, this time around, unfortunately). Life can be beautiful in the darkest places if you're capable of making it beautiful for yourself. I've had some very dark days recently (I hate to admit it, but I have had many thoughts in the direction of extreme self-harm, lately); and this is me in the midst of them telling myself that everything will be alright and that life will serve me well whenever it feels I need to be served.
Stagnance--that is my greatest fear. I fear the possibility of going through my life and having nothing to show for it, not even a clean room or a well-kept lifestyle. Nothing. I think that's everyone's fear, and if it's not, perhaps you should look at yourself again.
I fear not getting things done. I'll clean in my free time if I don't have anything better to do. I get restless; and restlessness scares, but it gives me power. It gives me the power to do the things that I've been trying to do. It gives me freedom--well-needed freedom--freedom to play the game to the best of my abilities.
And, again, the game kind of scares me at times. It excites me, but at the same time, it scares the hell out of me. That's what life is, right? It's an endless roller coaster ride that both excites you and scares you, and hopefully you come out of it having had fun (and not sick to your stomach). That's what I want: fun at home, fun at the workplace, fun with my family and friends. And I want quality fun, not the kind of fun where you say you're having fun, but you'd rather not think about it. I want the kind of fun that forces you to look forward to the next time. I want to look forward to being home, in sweet solace. And I want to look forward to going to work, where I feel I'm worth while; and I don't have a boss who's always on my case because of their inner suspicions that I may choose, in the future, to screw them over. What an opposite to a peaceful life! And I want to look forward to seeing those whom I love. I don't a lot of the time because of guilt and fear of judgment. I need to learn to let that fear go.
Finally, as I sat on the window ledge, looking out at London, I realized that, though London may not be the most spectacular city to most, it's the most beautiful gem to me. I'm incredibly lucky to be staying here, if just for a week; and I'm especially lucky to have such a good friend who has been willing to fly me out, despite my former protests (I didn't protest that much, this time around, unfortunately). Life can be beautiful in the darkest places if you're capable of making it beautiful for yourself. I've had some very dark days recently (I hate to admit it, but I have had many thoughts in the direction of extreme self-harm, lately); and this is me in the midst of them telling myself that everything will be alright and that life will serve me well whenever it feels I need to be served.
Finding a job in the SLC area was tough for me, finding friends was even tougher in the past year and a half I have been here. Life has its up and its downs, but like you said hopefully you come out of it having fun. :) Better to try and fail then to never try and wonder what could have been in the future! You write what is on your mind, and reading this, it is something I appreciate because I have gone through the same thoughts/feelings but could never put it like this.
ReplyDelete~Cam MYB
Thanks for reading, Cam. I found a job alright, so that stress is over :)
ReplyDelete