On Making Decisions
Last night, I had a very symbolic dream that revealed fears from the past that have translated into the present.
In this dream, I was attending some sort of religious girls' prep school (or maybe it was BYU-I, what's the difference, really?); and my relationship with Trapp was just a sneaky, after-hours type of ordeal. He and I would meet up in the middle of the night during the times that I would shower (I have a lot of shower, bathroom, and school dreams, for some reason), and he would chill out in the locker area of the communal showers while I took a nice, private shower before hanging with him for a while. Literally, nothing sexual about this dream.
Anyway, one night, the lady who looked after the girls to make sure they weren't breaking rules showed up in the bathroom to do her rounds and found Trapp. She got so pissed at him for being there and pulled a knife on him, screaming that he was there to tarnish my honor and have all the dirty sex and all the other projected fears that adults put on kids when they think they're in charge. I scrambled out of the shower, put a towel around me, and got between Trapp and the blade. I yelled at her that we had had sex many times before, which is not something bad, but also that tonight was not one of those nights that we had intended to; and who was she, anyway, to assume and slut shame the way she was?
I woke up at that point, but the dream had done its work. I woke up feeling that same anger, frustration, and loss of trust both in myself and the person "in charge".
And, now, a brief history of adolescent Virginia. When I was a teenager, my parents were convinced that I was going to go out and have reckless teenage premarital sex. It seemed to be a slight obsession of theirs for a while; and whenever I called them on it, they would claim that it wasn't me they didn't trust but the devil's influence over me.
Here's a little secret: I realized sometime around age 15 or 16 that I never wanted kids. I knew that kids came from sex if I wasn't careful. So, I made the active decision not to have sex until I felt I was making the best and safest decision for myself, which wasn't (and didn't) going to involve my teenage years, at all. But, even when I tried to communicate this little tidbit of my truth to my parents, they were still convinced that part of me was like a wild beast and would not be able to hold back if left alone in a room with someone who had a dick, any dick. Like they didn't even respect me enough to acknowledge that I might have standards for something like that. I get pissed, again, just thinking about it.
Well, revisiting these memories and emotions has had me thinking about my present self. And, as a side note, I don't delve into my past too often, these days, because I've decided it's best for me to think toward my future than to dwell on my past, where I can't change anything; this dream just brought my attention back on it.
After a bit of reflection, I've realized that this dream existed for a moment to remind me that I can trust myself to make decisions. The mistrust my parents had for my decision making in my teenage years eventually brought me to the subconscious conclusion that I wasn't trusted to make big decisions for my life. Because of this niggling fear that I wasn't fully aware of, I've had a hard time committing to any one path for my future. It's always scared me that I could have chosen a wiser, more effective path; but maybe I'm not qualified to make decisions like this? Turns out, I'm the only one qualified to make my decisions. That's how it's always been; but, somehow, this tiny drip in my confidence has led me to believe that I shouldn't take charge of my own life. And I also see that I've been slowly learning this lesson for a few years, now, because I've been facing that fear of my unknown. Now that I've made my decision to go into herbal medicine and have set my course (with help from my parents), I see where that fear once stood. It's almost like it just wanted a little memorial service and also to provide the layout of connections that I had found, one-by-one, over the years.
To those who are reading this, thank you for reading this far. If you've had similar experiences, please share.
In this dream, I was attending some sort of religious girls' prep school (or maybe it was BYU-I, what's the difference, really?); and my relationship with Trapp was just a sneaky, after-hours type of ordeal. He and I would meet up in the middle of the night during the times that I would shower (I have a lot of shower, bathroom, and school dreams, for some reason), and he would chill out in the locker area of the communal showers while I took a nice, private shower before hanging with him for a while. Literally, nothing sexual about this dream.
Anyway, one night, the lady who looked after the girls to make sure they weren't breaking rules showed up in the bathroom to do her rounds and found Trapp. She got so pissed at him for being there and pulled a knife on him, screaming that he was there to tarnish my honor and have all the dirty sex and all the other projected fears that adults put on kids when they think they're in charge. I scrambled out of the shower, put a towel around me, and got between Trapp and the blade. I yelled at her that we had had sex many times before, which is not something bad, but also that tonight was not one of those nights that we had intended to; and who was she, anyway, to assume and slut shame the way she was?
I woke up at that point, but the dream had done its work. I woke up feeling that same anger, frustration, and loss of trust both in myself and the person "in charge".
And, now, a brief history of adolescent Virginia. When I was a teenager, my parents were convinced that I was going to go out and have reckless teenage premarital sex. It seemed to be a slight obsession of theirs for a while; and whenever I called them on it, they would claim that it wasn't me they didn't trust but the devil's influence over me.
Here's a little secret: I realized sometime around age 15 or 16 that I never wanted kids. I knew that kids came from sex if I wasn't careful. So, I made the active decision not to have sex until I felt I was making the best and safest decision for myself, which wasn't (and didn't) going to involve my teenage years, at all. But, even when I tried to communicate this little tidbit of my truth to my parents, they were still convinced that part of me was like a wild beast and would not be able to hold back if left alone in a room with someone who had a dick, any dick. Like they didn't even respect me enough to acknowledge that I might have standards for something like that. I get pissed, again, just thinking about it.
Well, revisiting these memories and emotions has had me thinking about my present self. And, as a side note, I don't delve into my past too often, these days, because I've decided it's best for me to think toward my future than to dwell on my past, where I can't change anything; this dream just brought my attention back on it.
After a bit of reflection, I've realized that this dream existed for a moment to remind me that I can trust myself to make decisions. The mistrust my parents had for my decision making in my teenage years eventually brought me to the subconscious conclusion that I wasn't trusted to make big decisions for my life. Because of this niggling fear that I wasn't fully aware of, I've had a hard time committing to any one path for my future. It's always scared me that I could have chosen a wiser, more effective path; but maybe I'm not qualified to make decisions like this? Turns out, I'm the only one qualified to make my decisions. That's how it's always been; but, somehow, this tiny drip in my confidence has led me to believe that I shouldn't take charge of my own life. And I also see that I've been slowly learning this lesson for a few years, now, because I've been facing that fear of my unknown. Now that I've made my decision to go into herbal medicine and have set my course (with help from my parents), I see where that fear once stood. It's almost like it just wanted a little memorial service and also to provide the layout of connections that I had found, one-by-one, over the years.
To those who are reading this, thank you for reading this far. If you've had similar experiences, please share.
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