Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Lately, I feel like I've been losing touch with myself. I'm all here--in the present--but, for some reason, it feels like I'm selling myself short BIG time. Let me explain:
A big factor in this is my loss of confidence. That's a side effect of job searching, really; but it feels to me like every time I go in to talk to a potential employer, I'm having to justify certain aspects of my life in order to get the job. For example, I walked into a business I applied to a few days ago just to get an update on the application process and to show my interest in the place. I happened to mention that I was "in town, so I thought I'd drop by", which seemed to communicate to the guy that hiring me would be an inconvenience of some sort. But, see, I wouldn't be asking for a job there if I knew I'd have problems getting there; and I don't think I should have to justify everything that a potential employer hears me say, especially on something like that. Showing up on time is my problem, not theirs.
But it's not just that. Through this job search, I've noticed that a lot of businesses are getting really nit-picky about who they hire, even if it's just a simple job. I've applied to so many places--some of which I thought I'd definitely hear back from--but it's like I've had a curse put on me or something. I haven't had an interview for at least a month!
Jobs aside, I feel like my insides are going to explode from the tension that's been building. I still haven't learned how to outlet emotions I don't want to show; so they're all just pent up inside, waiting to be let out. As a result, I've been having a lot more rage issues than normal, lately. Even in my dreams, I lose complete control of myself (one of my biggest fears) and, even though I feel better after, I really don't. I don't know what to do. I've been feeling more and more like a caged animal, but the cage is my body and the animal is my brain. I've been pacing in my head for weeks, it seems; but nothing has been decided.
What I really want to do is express myself. I want to create an outlet that allows me to get all of that shit out of my brain and onto a canvas of some sort, but I also want to make money off of it so I don't have to worry about employers creeping about. I want to work with my hands. I want to get messy. I want to make people think. I have all of this creative energy--white hot energy--just pouring through my body, but it has nowhere to go because I don't know where to focus that energy.
Bah! I think I need to punch a pillow or something.
Those who are reading this: you know me! Please give suggestions!
A big factor in this is my loss of confidence. That's a side effect of job searching, really; but it feels to me like every time I go in to talk to a potential employer, I'm having to justify certain aspects of my life in order to get the job. For example, I walked into a business I applied to a few days ago just to get an update on the application process and to show my interest in the place. I happened to mention that I was "in town, so I thought I'd drop by", which seemed to communicate to the guy that hiring me would be an inconvenience of some sort. But, see, I wouldn't be asking for a job there if I knew I'd have problems getting there; and I don't think I should have to justify everything that a potential employer hears me say, especially on something like that. Showing up on time is my problem, not theirs.
But it's not just that. Through this job search, I've noticed that a lot of businesses are getting really nit-picky about who they hire, even if it's just a simple job. I've applied to so many places--some of which I thought I'd definitely hear back from--but it's like I've had a curse put on me or something. I haven't had an interview for at least a month!
Jobs aside, I feel like my insides are going to explode from the tension that's been building. I still haven't learned how to outlet emotions I don't want to show; so they're all just pent up inside, waiting to be let out. As a result, I've been having a lot more rage issues than normal, lately. Even in my dreams, I lose complete control of myself (one of my biggest fears) and, even though I feel better after, I really don't. I don't know what to do. I've been feeling more and more like a caged animal, but the cage is my body and the animal is my brain. I've been pacing in my head for weeks, it seems; but nothing has been decided.
What I really want to do is express myself. I want to create an outlet that allows me to get all of that shit out of my brain and onto a canvas of some sort, but I also want to make money off of it so I don't have to worry about employers creeping about. I want to work with my hands. I want to get messy. I want to make people think. I have all of this creative energy--white hot energy--just pouring through my body, but it has nowhere to go because I don't know where to focus that energy.
Bah! I think I need to punch a pillow or something.
Those who are reading this: you know me! Please give suggestions!
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