Take me away
I haven't written on here for a while, so I thought I'd share some of the thoughts that are going through my mind tonight. Anymore, this blog has been a place I've gone to when I needed to vent about something; and I suppose this post won't be any different from that. Luckily, my life is rich with people I can talk to when I need to vent, which is the reason I haven't been blogging as much. I've kept busy. However, tonight I have some things I'd like to, I guess, clear up. I'm clearing them up more with myself than anyone who will read this; but I think those with social anxiety will be able to understand what I'm saying, which is why I'm writing it out.
On nights like this, I get incredibly lonely. I'm at home, alone in my room. I've been here all day with my only communication to the world being this computer. My aunt, who lives upstairs, comes in and out throughout the evening; but we rarely talk, anymore. That's partially because of the social anxiety I mentioned above. I've just had a moment of clarity in which I've realized why I feel so lonely all the time. Whenever I talk to people, I find myself diving into the deceiving thought process that tells me I'm a burden to those I'm speaking with, so I clam up. But, naturally, when I'm alone, I get lonely and very uncomfortable with my own presence. It's almost like I have nowhere to run--not from myself, at least.
The error in this thinking is that I'm putting myself down without realizing it. Anytime I open my mouth, I'm scared that the wrong thing will come out; so I'll only put out the smallest amount of information possible in order to preserve myself. The problem with that is no one will be able to ever get close enough to me to understand what I'm really like. That saddens me because I'm pretty awesome. More people should know me, and I'd like to get to know more people. It's the constant tug of war in my head when I'm socializing that holds me back, though--even with people I've known for a long time.
I feel like I have so much to express and communicate, but I never have enough words for all of it. It's like the limitations of the English language are just not enough for the vast amount of emotions and theories I have settling in my brain. But it's that inspiration that makes me want to reach out, despite my fears and anxieties. I want to share even just a small part of myself with everyone, but I'm scared to death that most people would just take it before dropping it. You know, because I'm weird. I'm a little off the wall and cynical but a complete dreamer all at once. I can't focus, so how do I expect someone else to follow my train of thought? Ah.
Well, my suggestion to myself was to drop all this negativity. It's a long journey to learn how to love yourself. It will probably last my whole life. Luckily, I'm finally at a point when I can recognize some of the symptoms and zap them before they become a problem. So, maybe I'll eventually have the confidence to talk on behalf of myself without caring what others will do with that information. In the end, it's just me; and I should be glad to keep myself company. Sure, there will still be lonely moments; but, then, at least this aching in the pit of my stomach will have ceased and I'll be able to move on from that feeling.
Self awareness and self love are the keys to bringing peace in this life. Without those, there can only be masked misery and bitterness. The learning process is slow; but as I'm creating new habits, I'm attempting to make them more healthy and less self-deprecating because, if I want to even think about loving anyone else, I have to make some serious decisions about how I feel about myself.
On nights like this, I get incredibly lonely. I'm at home, alone in my room. I've been here all day with my only communication to the world being this computer. My aunt, who lives upstairs, comes in and out throughout the evening; but we rarely talk, anymore. That's partially because of the social anxiety I mentioned above. I've just had a moment of clarity in which I've realized why I feel so lonely all the time. Whenever I talk to people, I find myself diving into the deceiving thought process that tells me I'm a burden to those I'm speaking with, so I clam up. But, naturally, when I'm alone, I get lonely and very uncomfortable with my own presence. It's almost like I have nowhere to run--not from myself, at least.
The error in this thinking is that I'm putting myself down without realizing it. Anytime I open my mouth, I'm scared that the wrong thing will come out; so I'll only put out the smallest amount of information possible in order to preserve myself. The problem with that is no one will be able to ever get close enough to me to understand what I'm really like. That saddens me because I'm pretty awesome. More people should know me, and I'd like to get to know more people. It's the constant tug of war in my head when I'm socializing that holds me back, though--even with people I've known for a long time.
I feel like I have so much to express and communicate, but I never have enough words for all of it. It's like the limitations of the English language are just not enough for the vast amount of emotions and theories I have settling in my brain. But it's that inspiration that makes me want to reach out, despite my fears and anxieties. I want to share even just a small part of myself with everyone, but I'm scared to death that most people would just take it before dropping it. You know, because I'm weird. I'm a little off the wall and cynical but a complete dreamer all at once. I can't focus, so how do I expect someone else to follow my train of thought? Ah.
Well, my suggestion to myself was to drop all this negativity. It's a long journey to learn how to love yourself. It will probably last my whole life. Luckily, I'm finally at a point when I can recognize some of the symptoms and zap them before they become a problem. So, maybe I'll eventually have the confidence to talk on behalf of myself without caring what others will do with that information. In the end, it's just me; and I should be glad to keep myself company. Sure, there will still be lonely moments; but, then, at least this aching in the pit of my stomach will have ceased and I'll be able to move on from that feeling.
Self awareness and self love are the keys to bringing peace in this life. Without those, there can only be masked misery and bitterness. The learning process is slow; but as I'm creating new habits, I'm attempting to make them more healthy and less self-deprecating because, if I want to even think about loving anyone else, I have to make some serious decisions about how I feel about myself.
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