And so it is.

I had to make the difficult post-loss-of-insurance decision to take myself off of my meds. At first, it didn't bother me. I just split my dose in half; and for a few days, I was thinking that I was ok on that dosage. And then there were the last couple of days. I didn't realize all that my medication has been doing with my mind. I'm loopy and moody. I can't focus on shit, making my work incredibly difficult. I feel like a genuine mental patient, right now. In all this frustration, I wonder whether the pills are simply a crutch...or whether I do actually physically need them.

What I'm saying is it didn't used to be this way. Years back, people weren't nearly as heavily medicated as we are now. So, did people have the same illnesses and just didn't address them? Or is there something about right now that creates bigger problems for us? Are these mental problems true chemical imbalances, or are they something that can be conquered with enough positive thinking? Are my doctors lying to me about absolutely needing the medication for the rest of my miserable-ass life? I mean, shit. Who in their right mind would want to be medicated every single day of their life, taking meds knowing that they would go crazy without them? Are we being duped into feeding the hungry system or are we truly ill?

With all this being said, I will be a bit off for a little while, given that these meds have built up in my system for about a year. So, if you're a friend or family member, know that you may get some midnight calls with me crying; and if I ever seem off or snappy, please don't take it personally and please please know that I'm fighting my emotions with all my might when I'm around people. This is not a message telling you that I'm on suicide watch. I'm keeping myself in check as far as that goes--and I'm creating a communication system with family for if things get that bad. I'm simply giving a general fore-warning that I may seem a bit...off.