Sinking like a stone
There have been many straws in my life--several seemingly important, monumental straws that have been thrown in and out of my life. Some of them, I thought would be the last. I've had many 'last' straws. These straws were overwhelming, head-consuming, thoroughly depressing moments in my life during which I thought I wouldn't survive myself. Sadly enough, I've had quite a few of those in just this past year. I've had more of these straws in the past year than I have collectively in my whole life.
What is it about this year that's testing my will to live and thrive so much? It seems like it all started last December, when I was making the horrible decision on where to live after graduating. And then I didn't graduate, but decided to move on with life. And then I had to quit a well-paying job because they wanted me to hitchhike to work. And then the guy who took my virginity broke my heart in a way that it had never been broken before. And then I screwed it up with another guy who I still miss completely. And then the restaurant that I loved to work at closed. And then I got a seasonal job that I fell in love with, but it had to end...which still has me reeling as I start this new, daunting job. In the meantime, I've been behind on all of my bills. My student loans are a joke. And because of my bipolar disorder, I have to see a doctor and therapist consistently, both of whom I can't pay. And now, just yesterday, my car broke down in the Walmart parking lot, forcing me to walk everywhere and stress out about when I'll be able to scare up enough money to fix it. Oh, and all the while, I have to worry about finding a new place to live because my aunt will be moving any day, now. And you wonder why I get fucking suicidal.
I would imagine that this amount of shit hovering over one person's head would cause people to say that these obstacles are there to make you stronger. Fuck stronger. I'm beginning to wonder what sick joke fate is pulling on me. I'm drowning in the depths of debt; while at the same time, unable to even think of romance because of the crippling trust issues I've built up over just a few months. Luckily, I have made a few friends. They're the ones getting me through all this, right now. But, still, the fact remains that I'm incredibly lonely and thoroughly depressed. I feel helpless and, ironically enough, like a victim. At this point, I don't know how to get out of this. I'm scared. I don't think I allow myself to really think of all the layers of screwed I am because I would be having a complete nervous breakdown if I did. I think I'm on the verge of that now, actually. I'm completely listless. Nothing's fun, anymore. My whole body just hurts from the stress and depression.
I do believe in everything having a meaning, though. I haven't figured out the meaning of this, yet. I guess I'm supposed to figure that out in hindsight...if there ever is a hindsight to this. What does all of this mean? Why am I struggling so much? How do other people get through this life like this? What can I learn from this?
What is it about this year that's testing my will to live and thrive so much? It seems like it all started last December, when I was making the horrible decision on where to live after graduating. And then I didn't graduate, but decided to move on with life. And then I had to quit a well-paying job because they wanted me to hitchhike to work. And then the guy who took my virginity broke my heart in a way that it had never been broken before. And then I screwed it up with another guy who I still miss completely. And then the restaurant that I loved to work at closed. And then I got a seasonal job that I fell in love with, but it had to end...which still has me reeling as I start this new, daunting job. In the meantime, I've been behind on all of my bills. My student loans are a joke. And because of my bipolar disorder, I have to see a doctor and therapist consistently, both of whom I can't pay. And now, just yesterday, my car broke down in the Walmart parking lot, forcing me to walk everywhere and stress out about when I'll be able to scare up enough money to fix it. Oh, and all the while, I have to worry about finding a new place to live because my aunt will be moving any day, now. And you wonder why I get fucking suicidal.
I would imagine that this amount of shit hovering over one person's head would cause people to say that these obstacles are there to make you stronger. Fuck stronger. I'm beginning to wonder what sick joke fate is pulling on me. I'm drowning in the depths of debt; while at the same time, unable to even think of romance because of the crippling trust issues I've built up over just a few months. Luckily, I have made a few friends. They're the ones getting me through all this, right now. But, still, the fact remains that I'm incredibly lonely and thoroughly depressed. I feel helpless and, ironically enough, like a victim. At this point, I don't know how to get out of this. I'm scared. I don't think I allow myself to really think of all the layers of screwed I am because I would be having a complete nervous breakdown if I did. I think I'm on the verge of that now, actually. I'm completely listless. Nothing's fun, anymore. My whole body just hurts from the stress and depression.
I do believe in everything having a meaning, though. I haven't figured out the meaning of this, yet. I guess I'm supposed to figure that out in hindsight...if there ever is a hindsight to this. What does all of this mean? Why am I struggling so much? How do other people get through this life like this? What can I learn from this?
Comments
Post a Comment