Take II
I had an interesting thought tonight. It's thoughts like this one that usually get me into trouble because it allows me to break my barriers down once more, allowing myself to get hurt...once more. The thought is that it's silly for me to be sitting alone at night thinking about how lonely I should always be because 'love doesn't actually exist in this cruel world' because, in reality, it really does. And there's that dangerous thought being dragged back up from the fiery, acidic pits of Hell, if there is one. Love. Real love. Hurt. Real hurt.
But that's really why we're all here. That's how we're all here. Love. I'm an avid student of love because it is the most beautiful emotion you can experience on this earth. It is the most concentrated high you will ever find; no drug can surpass that feeling. And it's a lasting high, which makes the fall that much worse.
It's also unfair to myself to be setting any love life aside simply to prove some sort of point to a boy I don't even associate with anymore. I've been reading Eat Pray Love (I know, I know, whatever, you fools), and there was a bit a few chapters back that talked about how you are what you think you are. For the last few months, I've believed I'm damaged goods: not worthy of any man's time or enjoyment. I'll admit, I still have those lingering feelings, but I understand that I can overcome that with enough will and positive thought. Everyone is damaged goods at some point or another in their life. That's what makes finding the right person so refreshing. Because we've all been beaten to the ground emotionally from time to time. It's what we do to each other, for some horrible reason nobody can understand. I guess some of us actually like it.
But it's what you do with the situation, as always. From the ground, you can either crawl, disheveled, to your cave and dwell in self-loathing and general pathetic-ness (my option A). Or you can stand up and brush yourself off. Give the finger in the direction of the person who left you, and move on. Find someone more fitting to your personal needs and desires because you'll be more happy with that person, anyway.
Or maybe, from that unforgiving pavement, stand up, look around, and realize that it's refreshing to simply stand alone for a while. Enjoy the open schedule and countless men to meet. Look inwards instead of outwards, and learn to love yourself before learning to love someone else.
This is all great on "paper", but I've still got a while to go before I'll be ok with this theory. Admittedly, sometimes it feels better to feel hurt and unsure of things: reminds you that you're alive. But I'm working on it. I know myself; and, for the most part, I love myself. Maybe that's why I'm still here--I respect myself too much to give up this life just yet. Either way, I'd like to end with the wise words of Peter Pan (still my favorite, after all these years), "Living would be an awfully big adventure."
But that's really why we're all here. That's how we're all here. Love. I'm an avid student of love because it is the most beautiful emotion you can experience on this earth. It is the most concentrated high you will ever find; no drug can surpass that feeling. And it's a lasting high, which makes the fall that much worse.
It's also unfair to myself to be setting any love life aside simply to prove some sort of point to a boy I don't even associate with anymore. I've been reading Eat Pray Love (I know, I know, whatever, you fools), and there was a bit a few chapters back that talked about how you are what you think you are. For the last few months, I've believed I'm damaged goods: not worthy of any man's time or enjoyment. I'll admit, I still have those lingering feelings, but I understand that I can overcome that with enough will and positive thought. Everyone is damaged goods at some point or another in their life. That's what makes finding the right person so refreshing. Because we've all been beaten to the ground emotionally from time to time. It's what we do to each other, for some horrible reason nobody can understand. I guess some of us actually like it.
But it's what you do with the situation, as always. From the ground, you can either crawl, disheveled, to your cave and dwell in self-loathing and general pathetic-ness (my option A). Or you can stand up and brush yourself off. Give the finger in the direction of the person who left you, and move on. Find someone more fitting to your personal needs and desires because you'll be more happy with that person, anyway.
Or maybe, from that unforgiving pavement, stand up, look around, and realize that it's refreshing to simply stand alone for a while. Enjoy the open schedule and countless men to meet. Look inwards instead of outwards, and learn to love yourself before learning to love someone else.
This is all great on "paper", but I've still got a while to go before I'll be ok with this theory. Admittedly, sometimes it feels better to feel hurt and unsure of things: reminds you that you're alive. But I'm working on it. I know myself; and, for the most part, I love myself. Maybe that's why I'm still here--I respect myself too much to give up this life just yet. Either way, I'd like to end with the wise words of Peter Pan (still my favorite, after all these years), "Living would be an awfully big adventure."
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