Contamination OCD & Self-Actualization

Here is, what seems like, an unpopular opinion about mental illness.

If you’ve read this blog consistently or know me personally, you know I deal with anxiety and depression fairly regularly. But, until recently, I didn’t realize that these issues were tied in with a third, harder-to-control issue: OCD. A couple months ago, I started doing what witches call shadow work in regards to my sexuality. I’ve actively worked on undoing much of what religion taught me over the years; but I was still hitting a strange wall when it came to bodily fluids and still enjoying myself while feeling unclean. I’ve found that understanding something about myself helps me change it for the better, so I researched why I might be struggling with this. I soon learned that I’m dealing with contamination OCD—something that also rears its head in other parts of my life (preferring a clean environment to the point that it gets me either anxious or depressed when things aren’t clean, getting irrationally angry when something is moved from its usual spot, mentally tracking what my hands touch in order to avoid spreading germs from using the bathroom or doing the dishes).

It was a liberating experience, learning that these habits weren’t unique to me and seeing how other people cope with contamination OCD. However—and here’s the unpopular opinion—many people were saying that this is a black and white illness: either you have it all the way, or you’re only using it as a manner of speaking (aka gas lighting all those who truly struggle with these compulsions). From my experience, however, it’s like any other aspect of life. There are many shades of grey between extremes. I don’t compulsively, repeatedly wash my hands anytime I feel like my hands are dirty; I do, however, practically run to the nearest sink and give my hands one thorough wash and let it be. Just like with my depression and anxiety, I’ve learned to curb the darker habits that I’m inclined to follow if I’m not paying attention and remaining self-actualized. And, with the OCD, I’ve been doing this for a while without fully realizing why I had those compulsions driving me; I’ve just acknowledged that all the “normal” people around me weren’t internally freaking out about the situation, so maybe I should be patient and deal with it in time.

Now, as far as my contamination fears with sex go, I’m still working on it. I have a really hard time with body fluids, which often sucks the mood right out of me in the middle of it all. But I’ve been taking baby steps: I went from refusing to think about the mess to acknowledging that without the mess, sex would be very painful for both of us. I’m also working my mind around being ok with fluids left on the sheets or bed spread (trace amounts, not puddles, mind you)—a particular issue that used to drive me nuts. There are several other things that I’m working on that are a bit more personal (and graphic) that I’d rather not share here; but my point is: I’m working on it actively.

To me, that’s what mental illness is: a mountain to conquer. I know, to a certain degree, that this is a mountain I’ll most likely be climbing my whole life, but at least I’m taking steps forward and attempting to better myself through the bullshit rather than just letting the tide of yucky feelings wash me back to the bottom. I truly hate the idea of letting my fears make my life decisions because I see so many people out there living life either without fear or actively conquering their fears, and I’d like to be one of them. I get so sick of feeling held back when depression is weighing on me, and I don’t feel like doing anything or going anywhere. Or when my anxiety is spiking, and I’m curled up in a ball on my bed, just trying to stay calm long enough to talk to another human being or get in the car and take a drive. Or when I notice things are dirty; and, while I want to stop and clean, I’m already in the middle of other tasks that can’t go undone.

It’s a process that involves many small steps forward with the occasional big step back. It’s what I do after the big step back that allows me to prove to myself that I can keep growing and feeling optimistic about my future, even with these little demons leashed in the back of my mind. I don’t want these illnesses to keep me in a victimized state of mind because people who remain in that state often get addicted to it and rarely leave it long enough to do something with their lives. And I’ve got shit to do!