Anger

I’ve had a hard time with anger for most of my life for two reasons: I’m a people pleaser, and I’m uncomfortable with vulnerability. Anger is a very vulnerable emotion, possibly the most vulnerable, because it’s how we show our disappointment or frustration in something we care about to someone we care about…hopefully without hurting their feelings.

For a long time, I would hold my anger in and only let it out when I was alone or when it couldn’t be held in, anymore, resulting in ruined or damaged relationships and humiliating memories. As I’ve grown with my anger, I began holding it in to give myself a moment for rational thought: asking myself why I’m angry, what makes this so important to me that I’m angry about it, and how to rationally and lovingly address the subject. Even still, it’s been a practice to actively open up in the moment of anger due to the feeling of exposed, raw emotion.

I’ve learned much of what I understand about anger, now, through my boyfriend. He has extraordinary patience and empathy, and can think well on his feet during highly emotional moments. I’ve seen him walk away from an argument in a huff, only to return a couple of minutes later to talk it out and reach understanding. By observing him, I’ve learned that dealing with anger is a habit of empathy and presence of mind. I’ve also learned that anger, like physical pain, is a map of our nervous system (emotional, in the case of anger). It tells us when something’s wrong and how to make a change. It’s how we cope with that anger that decides whether it’s a positive or negative change.

Ultimately, anger can be a great show of love. People and relationships don’t grow through constant agreement; it is adversity shared that truly brings people together. Expressing anger in an open, honest, and loving way helps unify people through empathy and mutual respect.

I’m not sure if my temper will ever cool down; but, at least, now I understand how to direct that energy onto a positive, more productive route, as opposed to my old, destructive habits. Anger has become more empowering than humiliating for me; and that empowerment has released some of the chains of fear that bind me.