Make It Painless
As I sit here, mindlessly clicking through Youtube for the umpteenth day in a row, my brain has been dipped in a thick film of shame and regret that's started to drip down into my heart, mixing with my blood, and creating a molasses-like, self-loathing bout of depression. This depression creates a new, but familiar, form of heart burn, like my heart is attempting to claw its way out of my body through one route or another in attempt to find a life less boxy, less ruthless, less daunting. Because everything is daunting to me, these days. I can't even go out into the kitchen for something to eat without stressing about whether I'm going to bump into someone and feel obligated to socialize when all I want is my own head space to try and sort out some of this mess I've made for myself through months and months and years of mindless escapes and distractions.
I'm so scared of everything and for good reason. I've grown to adulthood in a society where fear is king--where people put on magic lotions for fear of aging, where people keep working shit jobs for fear of starving or losing their home or lifestyle, where people tell themselves lies to keep themselves placated while the rich and powerful keep playing their ominous chess game in which we're the expendable pawns. Now that I've seen this truth--now that I've become self-actualized enough to know when fear is ruling my mind--I've started to stagnate and pace in my own little boxy mind because I don't yet understand how to break out in a healthy way. I want to provide for myself. I want to feel the warmth of abundance in my life. I don't want to hear the phrase, "That's just how it is," echo in my mental halls ever again because that's a lie we tell ourselves. It's a fear lie.
This cycle of seeing what I want and not knowing how to get it without somehow selling myself out is, frankly, driving me a bit insane. I can't make solid decisions, anymore, for fear of getting disappointed. I'm having a hard time being honest with myself for fear of the depression returning in full force. I'm lost, and I'm stuck. And I'm fucking panicking because time is always running out.
Life and experience has given me very few answers that could lead to a solution to such a problem because there haven't really been problems like this before. Bald eagle-squawking, explosion-bursting, stars and stripes Rome is about to fall, and it seems clear that the intent is to take the little people with it. But what if this is the only life I get and all I'm getting is grief, turmoil, and an endless list of unanswered questions and passions? How do I step fearlessly and wisely out into a world full of so much bullshit, when there's hardly anything or anyone left to trust? Most of all, where's the line drawn between the world bullshitting me and me bullshitting myself?
I'm so scared of everything and for good reason. I've grown to adulthood in a society where fear is king--where people put on magic lotions for fear of aging, where people keep working shit jobs for fear of starving or losing their home or lifestyle, where people tell themselves lies to keep themselves placated while the rich and powerful keep playing their ominous chess game in which we're the expendable pawns. Now that I've seen this truth--now that I've become self-actualized enough to know when fear is ruling my mind--I've started to stagnate and pace in my own little boxy mind because I don't yet understand how to break out in a healthy way. I want to provide for myself. I want to feel the warmth of abundance in my life. I don't want to hear the phrase, "That's just how it is," echo in my mental halls ever again because that's a lie we tell ourselves. It's a fear lie.
This cycle of seeing what I want and not knowing how to get it without somehow selling myself out is, frankly, driving me a bit insane. I can't make solid decisions, anymore, for fear of getting disappointed. I'm having a hard time being honest with myself for fear of the depression returning in full force. I'm lost, and I'm stuck. And I'm fucking panicking because time is always running out.
Life and experience has given me very few answers that could lead to a solution to such a problem because there haven't really been problems like this before. Bald eagle-squawking, explosion-bursting, stars and stripes Rome is about to fall, and it seems clear that the intent is to take the little people with it. But what if this is the only life I get and all I'm getting is grief, turmoil, and an endless list of unanswered questions and passions? How do I step fearlessly and wisely out into a world full of so much bullshit, when there's hardly anything or anyone left to trust? Most of all, where's the line drawn between the world bullshitting me and me bullshitting myself?
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