It's Been A Hard Day's Night
Confession: I have not been employed for over a year, and I'm now terrified of getting a job.
This isn't the kind of "terror" that plagues the lazy, who simply don't want to get off their ass. I want to get off my ass. I want to be and feel productive. I want the satisfaction of a long day's work translating to the paycheck that allows me to provide for myself...but I want that paycheck to feel worth it, not like I've cut off a piece of my soul and tacked it to the check before I head to the bank.
I'm so scared of getting hired on to yet another job that requires me to leave my self worth at the time clock (before I clock in, mind you). I'm scared of being surrounded by people I wouldn't normally surround myself with, being touched by their energies and emotions, and coming home emotionally exhausted from just surviving another day at work. I'm scared of having my life taken away from me as I wake up every day to follow a schedule I don't agree with, survive the bullshit of the typical work day, and then use all my personal time at the end of each day just trying to convince myself that the stupid fucking paycheck is worth all this wreck...and then wake the next day to start the cycle all over.
I'm afraid that I'll walk into an interview, and my interviewer will take one look at my anxiety scarred face and decide it's not worthy of a paid position. I'm afraid that my coworkers will ask prying questions about my appearance, about my life, about the extent of my education and "if you speak so well, why aren't you somewhere else, getting paid more doing something better suited to you?" I'm afraid that my neglected body won't follow in my pursuit for survival, even though that neglect has been because of the relentless poverty. I'm afraid I'll have a panic attack at work and not be given the right amount of time to recover before getting reintroduced to the omnipresent grind.
I still don't understand why life functions this way. Isn't there a more fluid, natural way to find survival, even comfort, in this life? How is it ok to spend your entire life working mindless, pointless jobs just for the sake of "getting by", of buying further into an already very obviously corrupt system? Where is the line drawn when we realize we're being taken advantage of and have the ability to take that power back and start something new, on our own, as a unit? Does this despair end soon, or....?
This isn't the kind of "terror" that plagues the lazy, who simply don't want to get off their ass. I want to get off my ass. I want to be and feel productive. I want the satisfaction of a long day's work translating to the paycheck that allows me to provide for myself...but I want that paycheck to feel worth it, not like I've cut off a piece of my soul and tacked it to the check before I head to the bank.
I'm so scared of getting hired on to yet another job that requires me to leave my self worth at the time clock (before I clock in, mind you). I'm scared of being surrounded by people I wouldn't normally surround myself with, being touched by their energies and emotions, and coming home emotionally exhausted from just surviving another day at work. I'm scared of having my life taken away from me as I wake up every day to follow a schedule I don't agree with, survive the bullshit of the typical work day, and then use all my personal time at the end of each day just trying to convince myself that the stupid fucking paycheck is worth all this wreck...and then wake the next day to start the cycle all over.
I'm afraid that I'll walk into an interview, and my interviewer will take one look at my anxiety scarred face and decide it's not worthy of a paid position. I'm afraid that my coworkers will ask prying questions about my appearance, about my life, about the extent of my education and "if you speak so well, why aren't you somewhere else, getting paid more doing something better suited to you?" I'm afraid that my neglected body won't follow in my pursuit for survival, even though that neglect has been because of the relentless poverty. I'm afraid I'll have a panic attack at work and not be given the right amount of time to recover before getting reintroduced to the omnipresent grind.
I still don't understand why life functions this way. Isn't there a more fluid, natural way to find survival, even comfort, in this life? How is it ok to spend your entire life working mindless, pointless jobs just for the sake of "getting by", of buying further into an already very obviously corrupt system? Where is the line drawn when we realize we're being taken advantage of and have the ability to take that power back and start something new, on our own, as a unit? Does this despair end soon, or....?
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