All You Need Is
I am sorry for my absence this year, my dear friends. This blog has always been here to help me vent and, in the process, hopefully inspire. However, my life has been so full that I haven't had much to vent about that a willing ear hasn't already heard about and helped comfort. I've been healthy in both mind and body for a while, now, which is relieving. Perhaps the nightmare has passed for a while or for good.
I have felt pretty badly about not getting on here and at least giving some sort of update. I've felt as if I've had nothing to write about (read: complain about). I realized today, though, that I have a lot to write about--and, for once, it's truly positive. There is so much I've learned about keeping a sound mind while living a busy, highly stressful life that I can't wait to share. However, there is something else I'd like to write about tonight--something that happens to be my favorite subject: love.
I've had many confused, half-assed ideas about love throughout the span of my life that have led me down some dark paths, as you may have read. Even though I now understand the naivety behind most of those ideas, I have to say that I will never regret that progression of growth I had to go through to get to this point. My ideas of love are much more complete, yet much, much more tentative than they ever have been. I suppose that's the beauty of life: there's always the constant change of understanding when it comes to experiences so human as love.
Earlier today, I was sitting at my favorite coffee shop, surrounded by all those I've come to love during the time I've frequented this shop. As I watched them talk, laugh, and sing, I realized how much my love had grown over the last year. For so long, I believed that love was only really shared between family and lovers or significant others, nothing more; and, for such a cold outlook on my favorite experience, I always wondered why I always felt so lonely and out of place in a room filled with people, even when those people were regarded as friends of mine.
It wasn't until my significant other and I decided to enter a poly-amorous relationship that I realized how limited my concepts of love were. It hurt, at first; but I knew this was a growing experience for me. I knew I had to take part in this new form of relationship in order to gain a new understanding of the world around me (I mean, what other reason is there to do anything?).
My acceptance for poly-amory came in stages as I slowly understood more and more what it meant to be in this type of relationship: at first, I admit, I only saw a world full of potential sex partners. That's what it meant to me; but that's really what an open relationship is, not a poly-amorous one. So, I kept digging, leaving my mind open to the experience and letting life guide me into a better understanding. I let the issue get cold for a little while, deciding that it would figure itself out; although that's never the case. Finally, I found my heart opening up little by little--with each hug I received from a friend or silent smile shared with a stranger. I felt the light slowly filling me until it spilled over and began to show in my face, through my eyes, and in how I carried myself.
This realization now has nothing to do with my relationship; in fact, it can hardly be described as romantic, even though romance is part of that light I feel and project. Now that I know love on a new level, I can see it so much clearly in others, even if they aren't projecting it as strongly. I can see that gorgeous light burning behind everyone's eyes, and it's breath-taking. It's overwhelming, at times. One of those times was earlier at the coffee shop when I sat in a corner observing and holding back tears as I noticed just how much love emanated from each person who sat around me. There really are no words.
I'm slowly learning that we can each choose to either be creatures of light or dark. Sure, there are shades of grey; but, really, how close to which end would you rather be at? For the longest time, I sat in the darkness hoping that someone would come by with a light for me to walk by. I understand, more than ever, that I have to be my own light before I can expect anyone else to share theirs with me. Each one of us is capable of a vast amount of love. I think if we understood just how much we're capable of through love, we would weep like children with the overwhelming amount of light we saw because we would find that mountains are willing to move just at the sound of a rookie-written love song. Only imagine what they would do for a full symphony...
I have felt pretty badly about not getting on here and at least giving some sort of update. I've felt as if I've had nothing to write about (read: complain about). I realized today, though, that I have a lot to write about--and, for once, it's truly positive. There is so much I've learned about keeping a sound mind while living a busy, highly stressful life that I can't wait to share. However, there is something else I'd like to write about tonight--something that happens to be my favorite subject: love.
I've had many confused, half-assed ideas about love throughout the span of my life that have led me down some dark paths, as you may have read. Even though I now understand the naivety behind most of those ideas, I have to say that I will never regret that progression of growth I had to go through to get to this point. My ideas of love are much more complete, yet much, much more tentative than they ever have been. I suppose that's the beauty of life: there's always the constant change of understanding when it comes to experiences so human as love.
Earlier today, I was sitting at my favorite coffee shop, surrounded by all those I've come to love during the time I've frequented this shop. As I watched them talk, laugh, and sing, I realized how much my love had grown over the last year. For so long, I believed that love was only really shared between family and lovers or significant others, nothing more; and, for such a cold outlook on my favorite experience, I always wondered why I always felt so lonely and out of place in a room filled with people, even when those people were regarded as friends of mine.
It wasn't until my significant other and I decided to enter a poly-amorous relationship that I realized how limited my concepts of love were. It hurt, at first; but I knew this was a growing experience for me. I knew I had to take part in this new form of relationship in order to gain a new understanding of the world around me (I mean, what other reason is there to do anything?).
My acceptance for poly-amory came in stages as I slowly understood more and more what it meant to be in this type of relationship: at first, I admit, I only saw a world full of potential sex partners. That's what it meant to me; but that's really what an open relationship is, not a poly-amorous one. So, I kept digging, leaving my mind open to the experience and letting life guide me into a better understanding. I let the issue get cold for a little while, deciding that it would figure itself out; although that's never the case. Finally, I found my heart opening up little by little--with each hug I received from a friend or silent smile shared with a stranger. I felt the light slowly filling me until it spilled over and began to show in my face, through my eyes, and in how I carried myself.
This realization now has nothing to do with my relationship; in fact, it can hardly be described as romantic, even though romance is part of that light I feel and project. Now that I know love on a new level, I can see it so much clearly in others, even if they aren't projecting it as strongly. I can see that gorgeous light burning behind everyone's eyes, and it's breath-taking. It's overwhelming, at times. One of those times was earlier at the coffee shop when I sat in a corner observing and holding back tears as I noticed just how much love emanated from each person who sat around me. There really are no words.
I'm slowly learning that we can each choose to either be creatures of light or dark. Sure, there are shades of grey; but, really, how close to which end would you rather be at? For the longest time, I sat in the darkness hoping that someone would come by with a light for me to walk by. I understand, more than ever, that I have to be my own light before I can expect anyone else to share theirs with me. Each one of us is capable of a vast amount of love. I think if we understood just how much we're capable of through love, we would weep like children with the overwhelming amount of light we saw because we would find that mountains are willing to move just at the sound of a rookie-written love song. Only imagine what they would do for a full symphony...
Comments
Post a Comment