I sense there's something in the wind
I've had a lot of time lately to look into myself and decide why my life is so miserable now. I've been blaming it on my discovering that my depression isn't just depression but bipolar disorder, and I'm having to take pills for it. But that's really just a coverup for what's really going on in my head, and I didn't realize it until a couple days ago. The thing is is that I've gotten back into that easy slump of hating myself. It's so much easier to hate yourself than love yourself. It's so backwards. And that's what's been going on.
I think I feel a secret disdain for myself because I finally opened the doors and let sex into my life, and I was never able to really enjoy it. I think that another part of it is that ever since I've separated myself from the Mormon faith, I've still subconsciously been judging myself at every turn. A good example of this is when I was preparing to leave for my sister's wedding, I was so scared that all of my family was going to judge me for my decisions in life; but in reality, they showed me nothing but love and it was me who was turning against myself out there.
Therefore, I've decided to work on these things. The sex part isn't something I can practice currently. No men like me. But I can begin to love myself for the decisions I've made for myself in my life. I've decided to start cleaning up my act. Own up to the things I do and don't put words in other peoples' mouths. Also, I'm working on taking care of my body better. That is something that I've let slide, as well. The more I hate myself, the more I tend to skip steps in my morning routine. It's time that I start helping myself out by loving my body. With that comes a love for myself because it's like me and my soul are working as a team when I take care of my surfaces. It makes us happy to be together again.
As a side note, I can't help but feel like I have the simplest problems that I always blow up because I have nothing bigger on my mind. I realize that I've lived a fairly comfortable life. The biggest problems I have are the ones that happen in my head. It sounds like a pretty tame life; but if you know nothing worse, it's a nightmare. I know some people may read this blog and think about how big of a bitch I'm being about living in this life and having no real problems facing me. But really, we all have problems that eventually equal out. Maybe my bigger ones are waiting for later in life, or maybe this disorder is something that will eventually be my end. Just know that I see your side...that is, if that was what you were thinking...
I think I feel a secret disdain for myself because I finally opened the doors and let sex into my life, and I was never able to really enjoy it. I think that another part of it is that ever since I've separated myself from the Mormon faith, I've still subconsciously been judging myself at every turn. A good example of this is when I was preparing to leave for my sister's wedding, I was so scared that all of my family was going to judge me for my decisions in life; but in reality, they showed me nothing but love and it was me who was turning against myself out there.
Therefore, I've decided to work on these things. The sex part isn't something I can practice currently. No men like me. But I can begin to love myself for the decisions I've made for myself in my life. I've decided to start cleaning up my act. Own up to the things I do and don't put words in other peoples' mouths. Also, I'm working on taking care of my body better. That is something that I've let slide, as well. The more I hate myself, the more I tend to skip steps in my morning routine. It's time that I start helping myself out by loving my body. With that comes a love for myself because it's like me and my soul are working as a team when I take care of my surfaces. It makes us happy to be together again.
As a side note, I can't help but feel like I have the simplest problems that I always blow up because I have nothing bigger on my mind. I realize that I've lived a fairly comfortable life. The biggest problems I have are the ones that happen in my head. It sounds like a pretty tame life; but if you know nothing worse, it's a nightmare. I know some people may read this blog and think about how big of a bitch I'm being about living in this life and having no real problems facing me. But really, we all have problems that eventually equal out. Maybe my bigger ones are waiting for later in life, or maybe this disorder is something that will eventually be my end. Just know that I see your side...that is, if that was what you were thinking...
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